


All My Fears

by MoonlitMusings, type_here



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Fix-It, M/M, after the final resting place, kinda angsty, super melodramatic but then so are they
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 15:39:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9391490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlitMusings/pseuds/MoonlitMusings, https://archiveofourown.org/users/type_here/pseuds/type_here
Summary: Peter took a deep breath as he stood in front of the nondescript door. He could do this. There was nothing wrong with coming here. Yes, he’d said he would leave, but he couldn’t help it. If nothing else, he had to know why.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is the result of type_here and I chatting/semi-rping about what might have happened if Peter had gone looking for Juno after he woke up. It is, admittedly, super melodramatic, but so are both of these dorks.
> 
> Title is from Sympathy by The Goo Goo Dolls.

Peter took a deep breath as he stood in front of the nondescript door. He could do this. There was nothing wrong with coming here. Yes, he’d said he would leave, but he couldn’t help it. If nothing else, he had to know why. He raised a hand and knocked. Silence. He knocked again. This time there was a shuffling, after a pause, and a muttered “What the hell now?” The door opened.

“What the fuck do you...” Juno trailed off mid-sentence, his eye widening an amount that would be comical if it weren’t for the circumstances. Peter’s heart hammered in his chest. He pushed back the voice in his head telling him this was a bad idea. He cleared his throat.

“Hello.” Juno still looked like he was in shock.

“W-what are you... I thought...”

“I was going to. Leave, that is. I just... might I be able to come in for a minute? I’d just... rather not have this conversation in the hall.” Juno nodded mutely after a moment, moving aside to let him in. Peter closed the door as Juno walked across the room towards the couch. He turned, and everything about him screamed discomfort. They stood in silence for a minute, both hoping the other would speak first. Eventually, Peter decided it should be him.

“I apologize for showing up unannounced.” Juno nodded, but said nothing. “I just, when I woke up and you were... And I know, I know I said I would leave, but I simply... I just hoped I might be able to ask you.”

“...Ask me? Ask me what?”

“Why?” Again, silence. It stretched on longer than Peter felt comfortable and then some. “Why?” he repeated, when it finally became too much. “I just, I would like to know why you left. That’s all.” Juno didn’t answer, instead seeming to retreat into himself even more. He crossed his arms tighter, his head hung low, avoiding eye contact. After another stretch of silence, Peter let out a sigh. “I’m not going to get an answer, am I.” It wasn’t a question, just a statement. Juno closed his eye and didn’t answer. His head was swimming with too many thoughts to pick out the words needed to form a coherent sentence. “I should have known better, really. I apologize again for coming over unannounced. Goodbye, Juno.” Peter turned back towards the door. Juno’s mind screamed at him to say something, anything. Anything to stop Peter from walking out of his life for good.

“Wait!” His voice practically echoed in the silence that followed. “Peterwaitpleasedon’tleaveI’msosorryjustpleasedon’tgo.” He gasped for breath, having forced the words out as quickly as possible to avoid losing his nerve. Peter was frozen at the doorway, halfway into the hall. Time stretched out, turning seconds into minutes. Juno couldn’t remember the last time he was this afraid. No, actually he could. It was when Miasma had them. He was tense, waiting for whatever would come next. Waiting for Peter to say no, he wouldn’t give him another chance. Waiting for him to just keep on walking. He was on the verge of a breakdown when Peter finally turned around 10 seconds later.

When Peter turned, he found that Juno had gone from having his arms crossed to having them wrapped around his midsection, as though he were trying to physically hold himself together. Juno was experiencing a different fear from the one mere moments ago. What would Peter say? What would he do? Why had he said anything at all? He should have just let him walk away and get on with his life. He was trying hard not to let his panic show through and failing miserably. Peter was dumbstruck. It was another 10 seconds before he remembered how to form words.

“Y-you want me to stay?” Juno couldn’t help but be struck by the emotion packed into that short sentence. Peter sounded so confused and hopeful and sad, and all Juno could do is nod. He knew it was ridiculous. He was sure there was nothing he could do to keep Peter there with him. But he nodded and stood stock still, almost afraid that a step forward might scare him off.

Just as Juno was overwhelmed by the emotion in Peter’s voice, Peter was struck by just how scared Juno looked. Standing in the middle of his living room, arms wrapped around himself, he looked so small. He couldn’t understand it. What could he have done to elicit this? Or was anything he did at all? And if Juno wanted him to stay, wanted to be with him this badly, why did he leave?

The silence stretched on again, enveloping the room, suffocating in its weight. They stood there, tense, and finally, Juno broke. Tears rolled down his face and he took a shuddering breath.

“It’s... nevermind. It’s fine. I know... I know you can’t stay. I don’t know why I even...” He backed up, dropping onto the couch and burying his head in his hands. His shoulders shook slightly as his tears quietly fell. Peter had never been more confused. Did Juno want him to stay? Did he not? The only thing Peter was sure about was that he couldn’t stand to see Juno cry. He slowly made his way over to the couch and sat down. Juno jumped at first at the hand that started gently rubbing his back, but he didn’t move or push it away. For a moment Juno considered just curling up there against Peter’s side. But he couldn’t, could he? What would be the point? Soon Peter would go and that would be that. He looked up at Peter, trying to figure out what to do or say. Peter just looked at him, concerned and confused.

“I... Nureyev, I-” God, he couldn’t even bring himself to say the words. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t go. And I want you to stay but I know you can’t and I just... You deserve so much better anyways and I can’t...” He trailed off, feeling like he may as well have run a marathon for how much those few sentences took out of him. But he’d answered Peter’s question. He at least owed him that much. He closed his eye and hung his head, waiting to feel the comforting warmth of Peter next to him on the couch disappear. Peter, meanwhile, was frozen. Deserved better? What was he talking about?

“Juno, I... did you say I deserve better?” Juno sniffled and nodded.

“Yeah, I mean, I’m just... I’m just me. I’m just a fucked up guy living in a shitty apartment in a mess of a city that I’m never going to bring myself to leave. Why stay here for that when there’s a whole universe out there waiting for you? I may be selfish enough to want you to stay, but I’m not stupid enough to think you actually would.”

“I beg to differ.” Juno looked up in shock. “You, Juno Steel, are a complete idiot if you think you’re somehow not enough to make me want to stay. What’s there to keep me here? How about a beautiful, brilliant, charming, surprising detective? How about the person I love?” He cupped Juno’s cheek to make sure he maintained eye contact. “I love you. I love you more than I have words to express. And there is no place I would rather be than by your side. I can’t guarantee I’ll always be here, but I swear on my life I will always return to you, if you’ll have me. But don’t you ever try to make that decision for me.” Juno leaned into the touch, trying to process what he’d just heard. He didn’t know what to say. His chest was tight with the mess of feeling he was experiencing. Peter pulled Juno closer and started running a hand through his hair. They stayed like that for a while, just holding each other, processing what had just happened. They hadn’t really had much of a chance to do that while they weren’t being actively imprisoned. It was... nice, honestly. Eventually, Peter heard Juno try to say something, but it was muffled against his shoulder.

“What was that?” Juno lifted his head up a little, not quite enough to make eye contact.

“I love you too, you know.” Peter smiled, a gentle, slightly relieved smile.

“I know.”

They sat there, holding each other, and Juno tried to relax. Peter’s here, he thought. He came and found me even after I left. He’s here and he loves me and I love him and, and... But the doubt and anxiety started to break through, like they always did. Suddenly his mind was flooded with doubts and “what if”s, overwhelming him.

I love him, sure. Or I feel like I do. But am I really in love with him or am I just desperate for affection? No, no, I do love him. And he loves me. For now. But what if I’m not good enough? What if he’s out there someday and he finds someone better? What if he gives up on me because I’m such a mess? He’ll realize soon enough how much of a mess I am. What if something bad happens to him while he’s gone and I never hear from him again? What if something bad happens here and I can’t help? That’s what happened with Annie and my brother after all. I have a real talent for letting the people I care about die. What if we get into trouble again and he gets himself hurt or killed trying to protect me? Why the hell would someone like him keep coming back for someone like me?

His thoughts were a whirlwind, and he started shaking with anxiety and anticipated pain. It might not happen soon, but it would soon enough. He kept holding onto Peter, maybe a little tighter than necessary, caught in a spiral of wondering when and how it would all fall apart. It wasn’t long before Peter noticed the shaking, and that it wasn’t simply Juno crying.

“Juno, darling? Are you alright? You’re shaking.” He immediately wanted to kick himself for asking, because he knew for a fact that Juno would just say-

“I’m- I’m fine.” Peter sighed.

“Juno, you are clearly not fine. And if you’ll remember, not telling me when something was wrong is what got us here in the first place so please, just talk to me.” Juno knew he should tell him, but it was so goddamn hard to get the words out. He took a few deep breaths before he was able to say anything at all.

“I... you’ll...” He shook his head. “Iloveyousomuchitscaresme.” He couldn’t bring himself to look at Peter. “I- I know I’m gonna mess this up.” Peter swore his heart actually stopped for a moment with how hard it broke.

“Juno...” He had to think for a moment of what to say. What could he say to that? “Juno... This isn’t...” He took a breath. “I don’t think you will,” he finally said, voice full of certainty. Juno looked up, confused and surprised.

“What?”

“I don’t think you will. Sure, you won’t do everything perfectly, but then, neither will I. Perfection is a myth created by those who never take risks to make themselves feel superior. We’ll both do or say the wrong things sometimes. But as long as we try, as long as we talk to each other, as long as you can find it in yourself to trust me, to trust that I want this as badly as you do, I think we’ll be alright.” Juno remained quiet for a minute, trying to stop shaking, and looking absolutely exhausted. For a minute, Peter was afraid he’d said the wrong thing.

“I... I trust you. I want this, and I trust you, it’s- it’s me, that I don’t trust.” Juno shook his head slightly and shrugged a little, searching for the words that eluded him. “I just... I’ve always been like this. I know what you mean and... I want to do this. I just... I can hardly deal with myself sometimes. And If I can’t deal with me, then how can I expect you...?” Admitting that, saying that much took up the rest of his energy. He rested his head on Peter’s shoulder, feeling absolutely exhausted. “Thank you. I’m glad that you think I won’t completely screw this up. It means a lot.” Peter knew this wasn’t the last time they would have this conversation. Some things were just too deep to get rid of overnight. But if he was able to make Juno feel better for that moment, if he was able to assuage his fears for just a bit, well, maybe that could be good enough for that night. He turned slightly and kissed the top of Juno’s head.

“I love you, Juno. So much. And I will always be happy to tell you how I feel, or to reassure you. You need only ask.” Juno snuggled closer, letting himself enjoy the warmth of Peter wrapped around him, the scent of his cologne comfortingly familiar. This feeling, it’s something he hadn’t ever had. He had been sure he never would, if he was being honest with himself. And now that he did, there was nothing he wanted more than to keep it. To think that Peter felt the same, that he loved Juno as desperately as Juno loved him, and that he wanted to do whatever he could to make this work, it was too much to take in. Quickly, the complete emotional exhaustion caught up with him, and he dozed off in Peter’s arms. Peter smiled when he realized; a tired smile full of fondness and sadness and hope. Gently he laid them both down on the couch, pulling the blanket slung across the back over the both of them, and held Juno until he, too, drifted off, content in the knowledge that this time, Juno would be there when he woke up.


End file.
